How to fix your relationship?

In order to fix your relationship, it is important to understand the part you play in your relationship and take responsibility for that. What’s your relationship style? As a counsellor for relationship issues, I have seen a number of stuck relationship patterns, that lead to a dead end, causing the relationship to go nowhere. What stuck behavior describes you?  

 Common Relationship Problems

• When your partner addresses your behavior and you try to avoid your actions to avoid looking bad.

Your partner will get more upset if you do not listen and own your behavior. Minimising, deflecting, changing the topic, stonewalling, trying to prove your not that bad and turning the problem around as their partners fault, ends up avoiding the issue, so it never gets resolved and keeps getting brought up.

•  Changing your partners behavior or fixing them

You can only take responsibility for yourself, not change your partners behavior. Otherwise they will feel you are a nag or controlling them and resist you. If you try to rescue your partner in the hope they will change,  then you could enable them to depend on  you and the less control they have over their life. In fact, all we can do is control our own behavior, our boundaries, set limits or negotiate ourselves in our relationship.

• Ignoring issues until they escalate out of control

If we put up with things that are destructive to ourselves  and not address our concerns or feelings, then others continue their destructive behavior and it takes over the relationship. If you let others get away with something, they learn to get away with it. You have a right to speak up when something impacts you negatively.

• Making others responsible for your feelings

Many couples blame their partner for how they feel. Often these are feelings deep within themselves and get triggered by their partner.  So they protect themselves from the pain by blaming their partner for how they feel. When the feelings become intolerable, they project these feelings onto their partner, by finding fault in their partner to avoid feeling terrible.

example

A women might say “ you went out and left me alone, and didn’t return my call….you do not care about me” . These feelings of rejection are attributed to their partners behavior where she tries to control his behavior to not feel this way.

• Expecting others to take responsibly for you and become angry when they don’t.

If you expect others take care of you, support you financially or emotionally, it will weigh down your relationship.

• Give and expect to get back – leading to bitter resentment

These partners depend on each other to feel good about themselves, so they focus on pleasing their partner, in the hope the other will give back or make them feel loved. Yet, when their efforts have no return, they end up feeling resentment when their needs are not met. They feel angry at their partner for the self-sacrifices they’ve made for the sake of the relationship, negating their own needs. Often these couples have a love hate relationship

Partners, who do not have a strong sense of self, to negotiate their needs or express feelings of hurt, often feel the other does not care when they do not meet their needs.

• Mind Reading – Expecting your partner to read your mind or know your feelings

As a marriage counsellor,  I have seen how many  assume their partner will meet their needs, without expressing them. Many hope their partner will automatically know what they feel. The truth is no one can read your mind or know exactly how you feel. The idea of Mind Reading is a common  relationship mistake. Some say “ if he really cared he will put effort in and work out why I am upset”. This sets your partner up for failure.  Clear communication combats these relationship errors.

• Avoid pushing your view on others or giving unwanted advice.

Sometimes your partner just wants to talk and not have their problems solved by you. It can feel patronizing and belittling. Do not assume you know better, often your way of doing things is not their way.

• Conflict Avoiders.

Many couples struggle to express their ‘self’ because of the fear of conflict or hurting their spouse. Yet they often feel they’ve lost themselves in their marriage, by passively going along with their partner to keep the peace,  by shutting down their own needs or feelings.  The silent war leaves the tension intact. In fact many miscue their partner about their needs, acting as though they do not need them, so their partner ignores their needs, misattuning to them. When couples feel their own needs are not met, they unconsciously act out their anger by distancing, withdrawing or neglecting the role they play their marriage.  Couples need to be clear or direct when expressing themselves.

• Detachment

Sometimes it can feel that everyone else’s needs takes over yours. Detachment occurs when couples feel bored, lonely or empty, as a result of not having  their own needs met or not heard in the relationship. If it’s not safe to express their needs, concerns or raise issues, then they become disinterested in the marriage. When things that matter to them get ignored or they’ve given up aspects of themselves for the relationship, then couples retreat away from their relationship, since there is no room for themselves. If they cannot be themselves in their relationship, they turn away or turn inward to meet their own needs, not needing their partner. The more that spouses feel their relationship is not fulfilling their needs, they feel unsatisfied because they are not living a self enriched life and not feel connnected. So they look for pursuits outside their relationship.

Failing to activate their self and register what they feel, need or want, means they live a lifeless marriage. So it makes sense that couples disconnect, fall apart or end their relationship, without marriage guidance solutions. Detachment occurs when partners distance from each other, because it feels safer to be themselves outside of the marriage. Many look outside their relationship to feel good, connect, or get acknowledgement. Often  they find other relationships, where they feel safer to be themselves. However, turning to others can further push them away from their partner, where they avoid taking the risk in their relationship to express themselves. Emotional affairs or adultery starts this way.

How to solve relationship problems?

It is not easy to solve  your own relationship problems or become unstuck from these relationship patterns. Couples get caught in their emotions, like a crashing wave that takes over them. Being centred or registering your ‘self’ can  be difficult, where projections or defensive positions cloud ones judgment, misinterpreting each other.

Instead of reacting, by slowing yourself down and focusing on your self, you are likely to know how you feel, so you can express it. Those who cannot get in touch with their self, needs or feelings, cannot advocate for themselves, to promote a connecting relationship. A healthy self means you know how you would like to be treated and be able to make a stand for yourself and negotiate ones needs. Making a stand for ones self, makes a stand for healthy relationship, too. Letting your partner know what is not appropriate, when your boundaries are violated or when something upsets you, means you are likely to be respected in your partnership. Being heard and received by your partner is important – as long as your concerns are fair and not unrealistic.

The key to communication is to express  yourself while remaining connected,  by understanding your partners feelings at the same time.  Most partners remain stuck in their own position and cannot not register how their partner feels.

Many couples feel they do not have the communication skills to express themselves assertively, without causing an aggressive reaction or distance.

Here are some relationship tips:

• Raise issues in real time, when they occur. It means registering your thoughts, feelings, needs or concerns. Not leting issues slide.
• Create a  safe place to talk, when you’re both available. Ask: “can I say something?” or “do you have a moment?”. Do not assume your partner is ready to talk when you are.
• Speak in a calm tone, when you’re not upset, to assist your concerns to get heard. Try to register what you need to say before hand, rather then shoot from the hip.
• Do not leave issues too late or speak in the heat of the moment.
• It’s best if you try to understand your feelings first, so you don’t become reactive or explosive when talking. Having conversations when your emotionally charged or angry is destructive
• Try not to label or Judge your partner. Focus on the behavior that hurt you, not attack their character or personality.
• State facts or observations not interpret or judge their behavior.
• Use “I” statements, not “you” statements: “. For  example, say “I feel…..”
• When your partner is raising an issue, be a detective, put your feelings or thoughts on hold for that moment, to understand them fully. Do not interrupt until you understand them.
• Its important to validate your partners feelings once you’ve listened attentively to them, even if you disagree. Ask questions to clarify it. Let them know you understand their point of view, it softens them so they feel heard and can listen to you.
• Acknowledging their feelings is not taking the blame or admitting fault, it’s understanding their experience or feelings. It is the tool to connection.
• Try not to take your partner as personally attacking you, try to listen to the pain or feelings behind their reactions. The angry reaction is usually a defence to protect them from underlying hurt feelings. Its important to encourage them to express these feelings by making it safe for them.
• Do not take over conversations, interrupt, impose your view or offer solutions, unless it is asked of you … Listen and people will find their own answers, they want you there to share their thoughts with you, so they can get a sense of themselves. If you feel they really need help you could say: ” Can I make a suggestion?”, “Can I offer a thought? , “this is just my thought, not sure what you think”. Otherwise ask them questions. We have no right to tell other people how they should live their life, its their choice.  They will learn if they initiate their own actions, not from others. Masterson calls it ‘self-activation.
• Do not assume you know what your partner is feeling, ask them.
• Rather then making assumptions about your partners behavior, ask clarifying questions to determine if your thoughts or fears are true, rather then accuse them of something because you feel a certain way. Check out your gut, not go with it.
• Meet your own needs, not expect others to meet them for you or depend on others to feel good about yourself.

Sometimes couples cannot do these communication strategies on their own, because the issues are too intense for them to handle their own emotions. A relationship therapist can  assists distressed couples to become unstuck, to develop more effective ways of communicating.  As a relationship counsellor, Nancy  Carbone assists each spouse to own their part which contributes to the couple ways of relating, overcoming blind spots. As a marriage counselor, Nancy assists couples to express underlying feelings, so they become understood, overcoming defensive reactions.

Nancy Carbone offers relational counselling and couple counselling and individuals for over 17 years. She specialises in personality disorders, with underlying relationship disturbances.  You can follow her Facebook and Twitter.

For enquires for counselling call 0449 861 147 or use the enquiry form.