Subtle Signs Of Fawning As A Trauma Response

Our everyday behavior might seem normal to us when it can be the ‘fawn’ response to trauma, such as people pleasing. So how can we tell the signs of ‘fawning’ as a trauma response? What is the ‘fawn’ response?

When we feel under threat the autonomic nervous system detects the danger and responds to protect us in order to get out of harms way.  If our nervous system is on high alert, it activates fight, flight, freeze or fawn in order to avoid the threatening situation.

The ‘fawn’ response is survival mechanism that stems from pleasing or accommodating the needs of others in order to feel safe.

In terms of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) we can continue to feel like we’re under threat and modify our behavior to avoid a threatening situation, even when the threat is not there.

We can become hypervigilant, thinking that something bad will happen, so we catastrophise and worry about the worst possible situation. We can look for potential threats in order to manage the situation, so we can feel safe.

We can develop beliefs that we are unworthy of having our needs met, so we learn to fawn by anticipating the reactions of others, and focus on meeting the needs of other people to feel safe.

If you internalize that there is something wrong with you for upsetting caregivers, you can feel that you are a burden or problem, by thinking that there is something wrong with you for causing trouble.

We can fear the reactions of others if we express who we are, being hypervigilant by walking on egg-shells in order to anticipate threats. So we feel responsible for how others react and try to modulate our behaviour to avoid conflict. 

Signs you’re fawning in response to trauma.

1. It might be difficult to say no or avoid expressing your own opinions if you feel your voice is not important.

2. You can put up with behaviour you do not like, just to keep the peace, causing you to tolerate the things you don’t want.

3. You feel your needs do not matter and focus on pleasing others to gain acceptance.

4. It’s easy to anticipate the reactions of others and placate them.

5. A typical fawn reaction is taking responsibility for other people’s feelings and behavior. You can focus on placating someone’s anger to manage their behavior  in order to alleviate your anxiety.

6. You walk on egg-shells or feel scared to express your thoughts in case you say the wrong thing or get in trouble.

7. When you expect a negative reaction, you avoid communicating, or say what others want to hear, hiding your true self.

8. You take things on board that are not your fault to calm the situation, feeling responsible for things that go wrong, and respond in ways to pacify others. You can feel overly apologetic to avoid getting in trouble.

9. You worry about what others think, so you avoid speaking your mind  or edit what you say to avoid judgment or criticism.

10. If you feel hypervigilant, you can find ways to avoid taking up space in order to fly under the radar to avoid being seen and heard.

11. You avoid acknowledging how you feel because it stirs up feelings of being alone or feeling unsettled.

What to do if you recognize the fawn response from trauma

If you recognize the fawn response it is important to understand where the behavior comes from, and acknowledge the fear by accepting how you feel.

In order to recover from fawning it is important to find ways to make yourself feel safe to calm the fear, so you can find ways to regain control of yourself, gaining the courage to set limits and say no.

You can disrupt the pattern by understanding where the fear comes from to deactivate the panic button.

Is your reaction based on fear or reality?

If you’re not sure if you’re reacting to past trauma, ask yourself if you’re responding to an old threat, by learning your triggers. Is what you’re feeling based on past experiences ( trauma) or based on evidence ( reality). If you’re not sure if you’re fawning, pause and ask yourself, “ Where is my response coming from?’’

If you’re not sure if you’re doing things to please others, ask yourself these questions:

“How do I feel about this?’’

“Is this what I want?’’

 Am I reacting to guilt, fear or anxiety or am I responding in a way that reflects what I need here?”  

When we can calm the nervous system and regulate our emotions, we can become present and take back control of ourselves.

In situations when the triggering situation puts us in a painful state of hyperarousal, therapy can help to manage the intense emotions in order to calm the stress response, so we do not react to trauma.

Nancy Carbone is an author and trauma therapist who deals with attachment trauma.