Rediscover the love in your relationship.

• Are you feeling unloved, rejected, or alone in your relationship?
• Are you or your partner slowly distancing in the relationship?
• Do you or your partner not know how to express your feelings, end up saying the wrong thing, or end up being misunderstood in what you’re trying to say?
• Is it easier to ignore your feelings?
• Does your partner pull away when you try to get close or connect?
• Are you scared that sharing your feelings will be dismissed?
• Is it safer to withdraw your love and desire, in case your needs do not get met?

fearful of love

  Why do relationships struggle to form a loving connection?

From our earliest experiences, many of us have felt rejected when our emotional needs were not met, so deep down, we fear not getting our emotional needs met by our loved ones. According to John Bowlby, when emotional needs are not met, a child will cry or protest to get a response. If the parent does not meet their needs, the child will feel despair until they shut down, stop expressing their  emotional needs, and turn inwards to meet their own needs, not needing the parent. These children seem like they are OK, but have detached and emotionally shut down. This dynamic is played out with couples. Therefore, partners avoid getting close to avoid taking the risk of showing their emotional needs and fear of being rejected for them.

The risk of getting close can be too scary, so they distance their needs away from their partner. By not showing them how they feel or what they emotionally need, and by acting as if they do not emotionally need their partner, they miscue their partner about their attachment needs. So, they can appear happy but hide that they feel alone. Their partner then misreads their cues, and misunderstands their behavior, often not meeting their emotional needs as a result.

A woman might feel so rejected by her husband when he is busy working long shifts, so she miscues her needs by not telling him she feels rejected, focusing on the fact that he works too much. So he sees her as too controlling, rather than understanding her needs for emotional connection. She then feels more alone and rejected when her partner attacks her or tells her off. Avoiding her feelings by acting as if she does not need her partner emotionally causes him to ignore her needs. Instead of drawing him closer, she pushes him further away from understanding her emotional needs. This further perpetuates the belief that he is not there for her, and rejects her, so she shuts down further, turning away from her partner by detaching. In the depths of despair and total isolation, she turns her needs further away from her husband by retreating from the love object and  withdrawing her love from him.  So, she finds safer ways to meet her own needs. For instance, she may be caught up in fantasy relationships in her head. She may feel it’s safer to have an affair with a stranger who cannot get too close to hurt her. So, she turns her desire for love away from her marriage to get her needs met. The danger is when they cut off too far. Often the affair is a fantasy or escape from the feeling of being in total isolation, offering the temporary comfort of connection, where one does not have to face the risk of expressing emotional needs. But an affair only creates an illusionary safe haven for them, to not feel totally alone.

Recapture the loving desire in your relationship.

Couples Counselling assists to make it safe to express emotional needs and feelings. To recapture the love, the withdrawn partner feels safer expressing her feelings and needs for connection while overcoming the anxiety of those needs not being met. Once her emotional needs are met with an attuned and loving response, it becomes safer to get closer. Counselling for relationship issues allows individuals to get in touch with their real desires and needs for connection, so they can be expressed in a way that gets met so they can get real love from their relationships. Relationship counselling can foster intimate and loving relationships, improving closeness and deeper connections with one’s spouse.

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