What causes marriage to end in divorce?
Many spouses ignore the signs that cause marriage to end in divorce. The main reason for relationships to end in divorce is that couples do not know how to raise issues and resolve them. Instead, it ends up becoming a negative interaction that causes them to hurt each other, until couples cannot cope being together.
John Gottman researched why married couples end in divorce. A prediction for divorce is when couples raise issues in a negative way ( being negative, accusatory) which causes the discussion to end badly. A negative comment will elicit a defensive reaction in the other, creating a negative pattern of interaction. Gottman described the negative interactions, that cause marriage failure, as the Four Horseman of Apocalypse, which include criticism, contempt, defensive and stonewalling.
Signs of Marriage Failure
- Criticism – Attacking the personality or character of the person. These comments find fault in the other. It implies that something is wrong with them. It includes ‘you’ statements: “you never”…”you always”, “you’re so”…“why did you”…”why are you..”…”You’re …”
- Contempt – In response, the partner shows contempt by becoming sarcastic, calling names, put downs, insulting them (labelling, judgement), rolling eyes, sneering, mock them and hostile jokes. It demonstrates disgust in them.
- Defensive – When a partner is contemptuous, the other becomes defensive by blaming them for the problem. “..its not my fault, it’s you..”. When feeling attacked they attack back, feeling victimised. So the conflict escalates, as they respond to their partners problem with another problem. They deny responsibility for the problem, minimise or makes excuses by defending. Not hearing their partners concerns, the problem is not resolved.
- Stonewalling – Once the conflict escalates, partners become overwhelmed with negative feelings. As a protection against feeling bad or judged, one partner stonewalls by disengaging from the conversation. Many will not talk to avoid the conflict. Many walk away, withdraw, or ignore their partner. However, this intensifies the anger in their spouse, since issues cannot be resolved and it feels they do not care to talk to them.
How to prevent a marriage ending in divorce?
How to prevent marriage from ending in divorce? Gottman highlights that successful marriages tend to raise issues from a softer position, having positive conversations, so the issue gets heard and resolved. So why do couples have difficulty raising issues in a positive way?
These reactive coping mechanisms are used to ward off hurt feelings. Sometimes the issues have been built up for so long, that the hurt becomes too painful when raising the issue, so they become reactive, to alleviate the pain and discharge it onto the partner. Many married couples are stuck in these patterns and have no way to deal with the hurt. Many couples find it hard to discuss issues with their partner, where they fall into these protective behaviour’s to deal with the distress. Some couples end up shutting down and not talking, to avoid these escalations.
The truth is, some spouses can get so caught in powerfully charged emotions and react to protect themselves, in counter-attacking ways. As a result, they can lose sight of themselves and each other, without a marital therapist to help them see outside their stuck positions, so they can hear each other and resolve the issue.
Marriage counselling can assist dissolve marital distress and work through couples conflict, by allowing spouses to hear what underlies these defensive reactions, so that hurt feelings can be overcome, rather than counter attacking reactions. Couples therapy provides a safe atmosphere for couples to share their inner experiences, so they don’t continue to shut down or hurt each other in destructive ways. It gets the defensive patterns out of the way so couples can hear each other and move past stuckness.
Nancy Carbone
References:
Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Dr. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail…And How You Can Make Yours Last
For more details visit Facebook, http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/ Twitter and LinkedIn
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