Overcoming Stuck Patterns in Relationships

Overcome relationship patterns that trap you. As a counsellor for relationship issues, I have seen a number of stuck relationship patterns, that lead to a dead end, causing the relationship to go nowhere. What stuck behavior describes you?  What’s your relationship style?

Common Relationship Traps

Being all things to everyone but yourself

Many are eager to help others but cannot help themselves. Sometimes the more you give to others, the less you have for yourself

 Changing your partners behavior or fixing them

You can only take responsibility for yourself, not change your partners behavior. Otherwise they could feel you are a nag or controlling them and resist you. If you try to rescue your partner in the hope they will change,  then you could enable them to depend on  you and the less control they have over their life. In fact, all we can do is control our own behavior, our boundaries, set limits or negotiate ourselves in our relationship.

Making others responsible for your feelings

Many couples blame their partner for how they feel. Often these are feelings deep within themselves and get triggered by their partner.  So they protect themselves from the pain by blaming their partner for how they feel. When the feelings become intolerable, they project these feelings onto their partner, by finding fault in their partner to avoid feeling terrible.

example

A women might say “ you went out and left me alone, and didn’t return my call….you do not care about me” . These feelings of rejection are attributed to their partners behavior where she tries to control his behavior to not feel this way.

• Expecting others to take responsibly for you and become angry when they don’t.

If you expect others to take care of you, support you financially or emotionally, it will weigh down your relationship.

• Give and expect to get back – leading to bitter resentment

These partners depend on each other to feel good about themselves, so they focus on pleasing their partner, in the hope the other will give back or make them feel loved. Yet, when their efforts have no return, they end up feeling resentment when their needs are not met. They feel angry at their partner for the self-sacrifices they’ve made for the sake of the relationship, negating their own needs. Often these couples have a love hate relationship

Partners, who do not have a strong sense of self, to negotiate their needs or express feelings of hurt, often feel the other does not care when they do not meet their needs.

• Mind Reading – Expecting your partner to read your mind or know your feelings

Many  assume their partner will meet their needs, without expressing them. Many hope their partner will automatically know what they feel. The truth is no one can read your mind or know exactly how you feel. The idea of Mind Reading is a common  relationship myth. Some say “ if he really cared he will put effort in and work out why I am upset”. This sets your partner up for failure.  Clear communication combats these relationship errors.

• Avoid pushing your view on others or giving unwanted advice.

It may be that your partner just wants to talk and not have their problems solved by you. It can feel patronizing and belittling. Often your way of doing things may not be the same for them. It is important that each partner can have their own mind and be able to share their own point of view, without it being who is wrong or right.

How to improve your role in relationships?

All these areas of relationship stuckness are about relying on our relationships for the basis of our  happiness or self-esteem. As a relationship therapist, Nancy Carbone strengthens the self of the individual to better cope with their own feelings so they can form healthier relationships. If we depend on others to lift us up, take care of us and feel good, then we may not act in accordance to our real self. Many forgo their own needs for their relationship and become unhappy in their relationship

A healthy self means you know how you would like to be treated and be able to make a stand for yourself and negotiate ones needs. Making a stand for ones self, makes a stand for healthy relationship, too. Letting your partner know what is not appropriate, when your boundaries are violated or when something upsets you, means you are likely to be respected in your partnership. Being heard and received by your partner is important – as long as your concerns are fair and not unrealistic.

Nancy Carbone is relationship therapist who has helped many couples and individuals for over 17 years. She specialises in personality disorders, with underlying relationship disturbances.  

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