Why is it hard to end a relationship with an abusive Narcissist?

How can a relationship begin so well and end so badly? Why do so many get lured into a toxic relationship and cannot break away?

Narcissists usually idealise their partner in the beginning of a relationship, when they are feeling special and admired and getting narcissistic supplies. They devalue their partner, when they address their behaviour or stop treating them as special, causing a blow to their grandiosity and self esteem. To avoid the deflation of their self-esteem, they devalue their partner by finding fault in them, to boost their own self-esteem. Devaluation is self protection, so that they do not feel the pain, however, it leaves their partner feeling emotionally abused in the relationship. When feeling low, there are various ways that a narcissist manages to feel better: by proving that they’re right, defeating others, winning, acting like the victim, covering up their behaviour, withdrawing from the injuring partner, manipulation of the truth, lies, infidelity, addictions, secrecy and verbal abuse.

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Why do partners fall for narcissists who mistreat them?

A narcissistic lover will act like they adore their partner and treat them special at the beginning of a relationship, in the excitement and thrill of the chase. They gain their narcissistic supplies by seeking those who will inflate their self-esteem or grandiosity by reflecting how special they are. Their partner can feel loved at this moment, falling for their charm, as the narcissistic lover will lure them in by telling them exactly what they want to hear to win them over. The narcissist becomes what the other wants, a façade. So their partner falls in love with the grandiose false image that they portray to them. James Masterson calls this the grandiose false self, which covers their real impaired self that feels flawed for not being perfect. The narcissist maintains relationships by fusing with the idealised other’s expectations, to get narcissistic supplies from them and to regulate their fragile self-esteem.

Narcissistic rage and devaluation

The narcissist feels deeply wounded when their partner does not treat them special and not mirroring their grandiose self, which feels important and above others. So, they are left with the inadequate feelings of their underlying real self. Critical feedback from their partner can feel like a sharp blow to their self-esteem, so they instantly ward off the painful feelings, by projecting it onto their partner. Since they feel inadequate, they turn on their partner as the cause of the problem. They are unable to hear their partner, deflecting blame and finding fault in them instead. Their partners then question themselves, feeling that it’s their fault and taking on the projection as if there is something wrong with them. The narcissist then gets away with their behaviour and does not have to take ownership. After a while, the partner of a narcissist feels worn out and drained, losing their own sense of self every time that they argue. Many are told that they are wrong, they’re crazy and that they should get over issues and not bring them up, so they feel bad and give up their positions in order to avoid facing the devaluing comments and narcissistic rage. Remember, the narcissist gets injured easily, when they are exposed as not perfect or not treated special with entitlement to things.

Coping with Narcissistic abuse, manipulation, lies and betrayal

Narcissistic cheating

After falling victim to this abuse, the narcissist partner becomes distressed, angry, shutdown and depressed, so they begin to look like the one with the problem. They then seek help to find themselves, leave or fix their partner.

Many spouses will admit that they’ve caught their narcissistic partner having an affair or leading a double life and yet they believed their lies and fabricated stories, to avoid facing the reality of years of wasted effort put into a relationship that was going nowhere. Many stay, because they are blinded by the hope that they can change their partner or fix them, hoping to get back the person from the beginning, before the devaluation began. The sad truth is, this hope that the narcissistic person can empathically love them is a distorted fantasy, as is believing in how they felt at the beginning, when they were love bombed by them. It is hard to accept that they were a supply agent for the narcissist. Giving up the relationship makes them feel as if they were never loved and this is hard to come to terms with. Yet, denying the real nature of the relationship is far more destructive for them.

Treatment for Narcissistic abuse

Many abused partners of narcissists seek individual therapy, to rebuild their lives, repair the destructive impact of these relationships and to strengthen their own self-valuation. Many are able to heal the part that relied on a relationship in order to feel worthy. Couples therapy is only useful if the narcissist takes real ownership and is not simply acting in accordance with their partner’s expectations in order to win them back. Narcissists change, when they lose supplies and face the deflation of their self-esteem, when they seek therapy to manage this painful blow to their grandiosity. For narcissists, therapy can rebuild their self-esteem by modulating their harsh self-valuation, so that they can take the hits and blows of life, without devaluation, fragmentation or seeking more supplies through approval, admiration, beauty or success.