Does your partner feel mistreated by your aggressive behavior?

   Many come to counselling because someone else has told them they have aggressive behavior, but they cannot see it, saying “She over reacts, thinks I am violent or I only get this way because she pushes my buttons”. Many are not aware when they blow up, become furious or outraged at others. Often they feel they are the victim of others mistreatment and so have a right to defend themselves when they’re in a rage or jolt of aggression, as a reactive response in the heat of the moment. Often  they say “the other person provoked me to react, they are the aggressor not me”. “she pushed me to my limit, I had enough”. By locating anger outside of you, means you never have to own it or deal with it and keeps it out of your awareness, so it does not get addressed. It is difficult to take ownership and responsibility for anger, but necessary in order for change to happen. The effect can cost you your relationships, job and happiness.

Many come to counselling, saying they have no idea why their partner left them abruptly or mention that their partner said they could not talk to them because they have a temper. So, how does  aggression manifest and present itself? How to manage angry reactions? How is  registering our anger helpful and necessary to protect our self and assert ourselves? How does ignoring what makes us angry, work against ourselves and our relationships?

For many what underlies aggression is longing, so when one feel jealous or scared of losing a loved one, they act angry and come across as controlling  or possessive, instead of fearful or afraid of getting hurt or abandoned. Many see themselves as  victims of those who constantly leave them or don’t care, when  they  feel they have done nothing wrong. So they focus on what others have done to them, that their anger gets split off, outside their awareness, and gets projected out onto others, so they cannot see it and the impact it has on others.

The more you deny anger and where it derived from, the more you are likely to take it out on those you love. Others can see you in a rage, even if you cannot see it for yourself. Perth Anger counselling allows you to understand how expressing anger assertively is healthy and allows you to move past self destructive behaviours and overcome relationship breakdown issues. To manage angry feelings, it is more effective to  get in touch with your anger, work through them, than continue to project anger on those around you, since it discharges it away from you. Understand what underlies outburst of temper and where it comes from, so ones irritation does not become an issue for you or others. As a counsellor, Nancy Carbone works by processing one’s anger, by locating disowned feelings and detoxifies them in a way that allows them to not feel so furious.

Dismantle aggressive behavior in conflictual couples

Aggressive behavior, causing conflict in couples, can be dealt with in individual therapy services or couples counselling services. Expressing angry feelings and what underlies them is healthy, reacting in an angry rage is defensive and destructive. Rage or angry outbursts can also be used to defend against vulnerable hurts or feelings. For some, when they fear losing their partner, they may try to hold on to them and come across as possessive rather than fearful. Nancy works at a level that goes beyond the  rage, to understand what is underneath, to allow individuals to get in touch with the part of them that they are defending against. Therapy deals with anger  allows individuals to access these vulnerable parts of themselves, so they are better able to express themselves, in a way that connects them to others.

Overcome hostility and volatility in defensive couples

  In many of the hostile and volatile distressed couples I see in my practice, angry reactions ward off underlying feelings of hurt or rejection. Many couples who are distressed separate because they cannot locate the loving feelings underneath the anger, so they protect themselves from pain or rejection by becoming aggressive, rather than connect through expressing their feelings. As a counsellor, Nancy facilitates those  to manage feelings effectively, as well as locate underlying feelings behind anger, that builds connection and understanding.

Counsellor for aggressive behavior in relationships

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Nancy Carbone