Counselling for Narcissists

Narcissistic Personality Disorder individuals are those who suffer underlying feelings of inadequacy, which they have to protect by overcompensating by trying to be perfect, so they do not feel this way. James Masterson describes two types of Narcissists disorders, including Manifest narcissistic personality disorder, commonly  known for being grandiose or exhibitionist by being obsessed with beauty, power and wealth. Underneath is a harsh self image protected by the false grandiose self that feels confident. But seeks constant admiration to boost their grandiosity. They project out the inadequate feelings, so they do not feel them, instead they feel self assured, but it covers their real fragility underneath. They have an over inflated sense of self and live in a distorted illusion about their successes and self importance. They do not want to give up their grandiose fantasies and strive to keep perfecting themselves, their partners and children. Their loved ones become a narcissistic extension of how they see themselves, so others have to be perfect or they are devalued and criticised. They strive on feeling unique and superior or above others, feeling entitled to do things their way. In couples counselling in Perth, they struggle when others do not see their view and suffer immense pain when their partner does not see things the same way they do, often feeling disappointed that others are wrong and have to convince them to see the world the way they do. They relate best when they feel others are on the same page as them, being as one minded and not able to separate. They often end up in relationships with those with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and those with Closet Narcissism, since these disorders are very accommodating to boost the narcissistic grandiosity and give them supplies. In Perth relationship counselling they will be upset when their partner does not agree and will put pressure on them to do so. The couple’s therapist cannot get pressured by their charm and persuasive tactics.

Narcissistic fragmentation

Therapy with these manifest narcissists is about modulating the deflation of their grandiosity, so they can live in accordance with reality, while managing the pain of getting in touch with their real impaired self, which feels empty and inadequate without the boost of narcissistic supplies to fill the empty void. They can feel chronically depressed and down, with chronic anxiety when faced with their real feelings, because the self has been masked and not able to grow . But the empty void never gets filled with supplies, so they’re never really satisfied. Once they feel their partner does not give perfect understanding or does not mirror how perfect they are, they will become narcissistically injured and will seek ways to self soothe by seeking supplies to avoid facing these feelings. Narcissistic supplies comes in the forms of addictions, marital affairs and seeking admiration by being perfect or having power from success. They often act out their rage, aggression and anger outbursts, when their supplies run out. Often they will have affairs or infidelity by defeating their spouse when they feel defeated, so they can rise above them, not seeing how they can destroy their relationships, to escape their feelings. When life crashes, the supplies run out and they face real disappointments, this is when they begin to grow in treatment. Once they get in touch with the real impaired self, that feels empty, they can begin to invest in real self pursuits, that fosters real satisfactions and develop intimate relationships with deeper connections with partners. However, giving up the perfect façade or veneer in not easy. These individuals fear getting hurt, or exposed for not being perfect, so struggle to show their real self that feels inadequate. Therefore they find it difficult to deal with closeness, real connections and intimacy because it involves revealing themselves. They get disappointed that others do not put them first.

 Manifest narcissists feel best when dating, when they can fuse with an idealised partner who they can get narcissistic supplies from, in order to refuel the empty self with a boost of supplies to inflate their esteem. They can be charming and impress. They struggle with the reality of dealing with conflict and martial spousal issues when relationships become more permanent. They become narcissistically wounded or injured when other doesn’t treat them special. As a self protection they devalue their partner in order to avoid feeling criticised or inadequate, so they cannot take on board constructive feedback about themselves. Relations can feel empty since they avoid vulnerability and put on a wall to protect them from exposure, so they do not have a real connection, but spend their time impressing and performing to feel important to others. All the attempts to indulge in pleasure or seek supplies, only keeps their real self more impaired and empty, it does not fill the emptiness. Therapy is often required to manage their distress so they can work through the collapse of the false grandiose self and rebuild the real self, that has been hidden from exposure and needs to be rebuilt in order to grow. In essence these manifest grandiose narcissists feel inflated when others admire them, agree with them, and are on the same page as them. When partners or their children are successful and perform perfectly, they feel special. When they do not perform perfectly, they feel inadequate. So they try to correct their partners and children behaviour, so they can avoid facing these inadequate feelings in themselves, which they project out onto others by seeing others as inadequate. So they push out their harsh feelings and high standards, to put them on to others and expect others to live in accordance with them. Narcissists cannot handle these deflating feelings, so they require the long enduring process of counselling to manage them and modulate them, so they can deal with not being perfect and gain acceptance for their real impaired self, that feels unacceptable to them. Once they feel acceptance within themselves, the real self can grow and they can fill the emptiness with real self pursuits. As the real self builds psychic structure, it builds the real foundations to carry healthy self esteem.

 Narcissism Counselling in Perth

James Masterson describes the second type of narcissism, as the Closet Narcissistic Disorder of Self. These individuals are covert narcissists; they hide their grandiosity and appear shy or pleasant. Their parents were critical when they didn’t perform for them and they were humiliated or shamed for being their real self, so they learnt to not be themselves. They got approval for meeting their parent’s expectations, that is when they felt grandiose and special to them by getting narcissistic supplies. These patients are common in treatment and often are married with a manifest narcissistic partner, who they look up to and idealise, where they can seek approval from them. So they are often fused with meeting the expectations of significant others, in order to feel special and grandiose. They can appear perfect and know how to get your approval, but lots of effort goes into making you like them. They feel good when basking in the glow of those who they can idealise, so they feel important and special to them. So they put a lot of effort into these particular relationships, so they get approval and please those they look up to. If they feel perfect in their eyes they feel perfect in themselves. Often they will put a lot of effort in to be perfect for their spouse, not registering their own self or not investing in themselves. Since their own self feels inferior, they avoid putting themselves out there to be criticised, giving up on developing their real self and real self pursuits.

Relationships with Narcissists

Narcissistic emptiness

They fear intimacy because it exposes partners to the fact they are not perfect, which can leave them feeling vulnerable and scared of getting hurt. So often they protect themselves by not letting partners get close to see them, by hiding themselves. This means their relationships can feel empty, yet they connect by pleasing and impressing partners to get love and avoid judgement or criticism by rejection. Yet when they do not reveal themselves, they give up on having intimate encounters with loved ones. Often they present themselves in the best light that will get a favourable response from their partner, but it is not who they really are. Many are so fearful of judgment, they spend so much time working out how to respond, that it goes against having any real connection and satisfying relationship. Not living ones real life can be depressing, dull and unsatisfying. Fearing ones reaction and fearing judgement can lead to an anxious relationship, with worry and precaution. In counselling for relationship difficulties, Nancy Carbone assists these couples to get in touch with their underlying vulnerabilities and express them to each other, to foster a deeper connection. Closet Narcissists close up, not say what they really think and modulate their behaviour to act in accordance with the expectations of others. So they adapt and modify their behaviour to suit others and edit what they say to gain approval and avoid disapproval. So they give up on real self pursuits that could make them happy. For instance, one might become a lawyer because their parents wanted this for them, so they did so to get their approval, even though it may not fit what they wanted. They often will support their husbands, who may have a successful business career and feel inadequate when they have lost their self to them. Other times they will be perfect for their boss, to get approval from the idealised objects, by performing for them. They have high expectations and strive to be perfect, even if they do not admit this. Deep down they can feel like a fraud for not being perfect (real self) and wear a mask to disguise themselves (false self). When they stop focusing on pleasing others and meeting their expectations, they will begin to feel exposed and feel inadequate, when activating their real self, by putting themselves out there. Therapy can assist to transition into their real self, by managing the painful affects and letting go of the idealised object, so they can invest in their real self and live according to their own potential. Rather, then putting energy in proping others up to feel good in their eyes. These individuals feel narcissistically wounded and deflated when they are faced with judgement, criticism or perceived failure, where they do not feel special in the eyes of the idealised objects (parents, partner, bosses, teachers etc). So they will put a lot of effort to perform for them, to get their approval. They often exhaust themselves, by pleasing everyone to feel elevated, so they do not feel inferior and inadequate. Yet they can crash and burnout, then recover, they can do this all over again. They feel anxious, fearful, panic and worry when they cannot win others over. Deep Depression can hit when they feel failure to fuse with any idealise object, wanting someone who can give them positive feedback, so they can feel validated externally. However, these individuals stay depressed because the real self remains empty and feels inadequate, not being developed to grow and having no internal platform inside to build healthy self esteem. Once they gain acceptance for the real self, when these painful affects are modulated, they can rebuild the real self and develop real self pursuits to create real satisfaction in life. The Masterson Psychoanalytic therapeutic approach is a formulated treatment designed for narcissistic personality disorder. Nancy Carbone uses this approach for her individual therapy service and incorporates this into her couples therapy services.

Click here for signs of relationship a narcissist, relationships with narcissists, the origins of narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder and ending a relationship with a narcissist.

For more details visit Facebook http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/ Twitter and LinkedIn

For Further information for treatment for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, contact Nancy on 0449 861 147 or use the enquiry form below

[gravityform id=”1″ title=”true” description=”true”]