Many individuals want relationship counselling in Perth to figure out how they constantly end up in relationships where they feel abandoned and cannot cope after the break up or separation. They want to see a counsellor to figure out how to attract the right man and keep him. Some commence therapy because they do not know if the relationship is right for them, other want counselling so they can get rid of the wrong man who they cannot let go of. In psychotherapy I ask these clients why does the relationship become the centre of their universe when it stops them focusing on their own lives. Why do they expect a partner to manage their life for them or be everything for them? This fantasy traps them from taking control of their own life.The things they do for love actually works against them progressing their own life. The more they seek love, the worse they get, so they move backwards. I call these individuals, the relationship dependent person. They are not very equipped at taking care of themselves, because their primary focus is seeking love, no matter what they sacrifice for it. They will stay even if the relationship is destructive or abusive to them.

In relationship counselling, the relationship dependent person seeks a partner who is loving, attentive, care giving or rewarding in some way. They are not always self motivated to look after themselves, but will be motivated to attract a partner, whom they depend on to motivate them or take care of them. Those who are relationship dependent feel loved and good in this loving unit, because they can escape all their feelings of worthlessness and fears of being alone.  They often forget to focus on themselves; their relationship becomes the basis of their happiness. They can be sweet, kind and loving to their partner in this loving unit. All of a sudden they are wanted.  But they may forget to stand up for their needs or express themselves, because they do not want to upset their partner or cause a rift. They let little things slowly get to them, until they get upset that their needs don’t get met, they start to blame their relationship for their unhappiness.  They will not communicate their concerns, but will act out their anger when they have had enough.  For instance, wanting to please their partner so much, so they can be loved, they might not ask their partner to contribute financially or with house work, but they lash out at their partner, calling them lazy or selfish, when they feel taken for granted.  Instead of asserting their needs or activating themselves to establish healthy boundaries, they act out their anger when their needs are not met. So they may be passive and aggressive by withdrawing, drink, have a marital affair or lash out in anger outbursts or become moody. They can switch to becoming furious, nasty, hateful, spiteful, malicious, or even vindictive without realizing it. So this loving unit switches to the aggressive unit. So, their spouse feels attacked or accused of things, so they push away.  The relationship dependent spouse stays angry, feeling their partner does not care and is not responsive to their needs. They didn’t fulfil their fantasy of taking care of them. They get resentful that the love they gave is not returned. They become bitter that they evolved their entire life around their partner, by making them happy or sacrificing themselves and get’s nothing back. Meanwhile, they have not focused on their own life. Furthermore, they create these patterns and repeat them, so therapy has to focus on them changing, not get drawn into how bad  their partner is for them, by continuing the blame game.  Instead the therapist challenges them, for instance: ” why did you let that go and not address it, if it makes you so unhappy?”. Many therapist can drawn into rescuing them or giving advice. But they need to start to look within and see what is really going on, to start to register their self, before they can  make changes in their own life.

Being so consumed in being loved,  wanted or cared for, they give up on their self. So they fall behind in study, money, work or career, because they are so pre-occupied with their relationships.They may even ignore attending to their children’s  academic needs,  if they cannot focus on their own. They often feel they are not progressing forwards but backwards, so look for a partner to rescue them. Their inability to look after themselves constantly leads to relationship breakdown issues.

Counselling for relationship dependency in Perth

The relationship dependent person, seeks counselling for their relationship or marriage. They can also appear as a self sacrifice or masochistic partner, they are sometimes diagnosed as having a borderline personality disorder.  Borderline personality disorder individuals feel easily abandoned, alone, unwanted and worthless, when their partner pushes away and focuses on their own life. They depend on being in a relationship to feel good about themselves, since takes them away from how they feel inside. Often their partner’s gets drained from having to rescue or take care of them. Suddenly their partner is not so loving or giving anymore. All their anger and hostility becomes projected out onto the partner. All of a sudden the partner is projected to become the withdrawing partner who does not care about them and is not attentive anymore. So they can split from all loving to all hating, they will oscillate between feeling loved or angry. For the borderline personality individual, their angry reaction defends against the abandonment feelings and discharges the anger onto the partner, driving them further away. They can become nasty, revengeful or mean, even though they feel they are the victim of other peoples bad treatment. So the borderline disorder person complains that their partner is not there for them anymore. The fear of real or imagined abandonment pushes the relationships to end, so it becomes self perpetuating that they end up alone, again. Another failed relationship.

Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder

Help me, I cannot help myelf

So fearful of abandonment, the borderline disorder struggles with feelings of worthlessness when they are single. To avoid  being alone,  they  either become  sexually promiscuous because they are scared to get abandoned again, they can become clingy and need constant reassurance, or they  hold onto the first person who shows an interest because they do not believe they deserve better. They do not always make a partner choice based on what they need, it is more about feeling wanted and having someone there to escape the loneliness. So desperate to be loved, they often encounter partners who are abusive, such as narcissistic partners. They function worse if there are two partners who depend on each other, instead of responsible for themselves, these are co-dependence. Co-dependency means that each partner is, in some way, functioning for the other, that prevents each person  being responsible for themselves. In these relationships, the destructive cycles ends up repeating itself, where they under function for themselves and rely on  partners to cope.  The Borderline or relationship dependent individuals seek partners to function for them, because they haven’t leant how to be responsible for themselves. They pay a high price to be taken care of; it robs them of their own growth and individuality. The kinds of relationships that they attract actually inhibits their development, keeps them stuck, leaving them dependent and helpless to take care of their own needs.

They often try to convince the therapist they are the victims, eliciting the therapist to rescue them or take care of them. Yet, what they need is to be challenged, so they can overcome the destructive reliance on others, that only impairs their self and ability to function or cope. Most often, they will not seek therapy to get better , but for another rewarding person to do it for them. The Masterson Psychodynamic therapeutic approach treats these individuals.

Counsellor for relationship breakdown

Nancy Carbone offers counselling and psychotherapy for these individuals who suffer breakdown in their relationships due to impairments in their self.  As a counsellor, Nancy is specialised in treating individuals with borderline personality behaviours and offers relationship counselling in Perth. Counselling and psychotherapy assists them to function for themselves, so they can have healthier lives and fulfilling relationships.

If you would like an appointment call 0449 861 147 or contact Nancy on the enquiry sheet below

For more details visit Facebook http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/ Twitter and LinkedIn

[gravityform id=”1″ title=”true” description=”true”]