Counselling for Conflict Avoidant Couples

Providing marriage guidance counselling in Perth, Nancy Carbone see’s many couples with difficulties in raising issues with each other, because they fear it will result in a fall out or conflict. For instance, rather than addressing concerns with a partner for not contributing, the issue becomes shelved because it raises too much anxiety to bring it up, due to the distress anticipated from the partners’ reaction. Yet the price they pay for putting up with things becomes destructive to themselves and their relationship in the long run. In order to avoid tension and uneasiness, these partners let issues slide, until the problems build up, from putting up with behaviours that are destructive towards the relationship. The more partners placate each other’s issues, they end up enabling them to continue the destructive behaviour, by being collusive in not bringing up the issue and resolving the problem together. As the problems are avoided and continue to impact the couple bond, anxious feelings escalate, when one can no longer cope and deal with the impact. As the issues get out of hand, this leads to depression, helplessness, despair, resulting in angry outbursts and resentful feelings.

Relationship Counselling in Perth

In counselling for couples, these married spouses end up distressed, reactive towards each other and then withdrawing. When issues are left too late, the anger takes over and clouds the way they communicate, becoming too conflictual. Instead of expressing concerns in a healthy way when the relational issues arise in the first place, these couples end up hurting each other when the rage takes over. Often partners end up feeling victimised by how the other has treated them, when they cannot tolerate the behaviour anymore, so when they finally get out how they feel, it comes across as blaming and accusing, causing relational disharmony.

Whilst providing couples counselling in Perth, the question is asked why partners let issues go for so long and didn’t raise them, if it upset them so much. As it turns out, many do not have a strong conviction in themselves, so they do not trust what they feel, so they ignore their feelings or concerns in their relationship, until they cannot put up with their partner’s behaviours anymore. They do not know how to make a stand for themselves in the relationship. These couples who were initially passive to deal with issues by avoiding couple conflict, actually become collusive in letting the issues continue, by doing nothing to address it. These partners ignore their concerns, not registering how it bothers them or deny the impact on them, because there’re afraid it may cause the relationship to end if they bring it up. However, they end up acting out their anger towards each other, eventually, becoming hostile, without seeing how angry they’ve become. Whatever hurt and angry feelings are not verbally expressed, eventually get acted out, in the form of passive aggressive anger, giving up on the relationship, withdrawing or hostility. Couples reach the point that they cannot hear each other, because they feel so mistreated by putting up with things for too long. At the point they cannot handle it, they end up wanting to prove how bad the other person is, eliciting the same defensive reaction in their partner. So they blame each other, instead of seeing how they each were collusive in putting up with the behaviour and letting the other get away with it, causing the relationship to breakdown.

It is like a child who is having a tantrum, letting them get away with it and giving in means they’ve got away with it and continue to push the boundaries to get what they want from the parent. Eventually the parent gets angry at the child for being misbehaved and has enough, until the parent yells or gives up. The child feels attacked for no reason. The same occurs in relationships. Whereas, if the parent took charge and made a stand at the beginning, the child knows they cannot get away with the behaviours, so they learn healthy limits and boundaries, so behaviours become addressed and do not worse, to the point the parent gives up and lets the child take over. Similarly if the partner makes a stand at the beginning, the issues can become addressed and do not become out of control, so they do not have enough or give up.

Counselling for Angry Hostile Couples

Couples Counselling

Similarly, with borderline conflict in particular, these couples end up feeling attacked for no particular reason, feeling their partner’s volatile reactions are disproportionate to the situation, and feel unfairly treated. Meanwhile their partner may have failed to raise all kinds of issues until they’ve gotten out of control and had enough, then their angry reactions take over, so the real concerns become lost due to anger and resentment. So the real issues get ignored and stay unresolved, leading to a sense of futility that their partner cannot change their problematic behaviour. In couple counseling, these partners hope that therapy will change their partner, because they’ve given up on the relationship. They get to the point where they blame each other and do not take responsibility for not addressing issues in the first place. They do not see how letting things go for so long enables the behaviour to get worse. Often distressed couples conflict or borderline fighting results from a relational pattern of pleasing each other by ignoring issues that bother them, to eventually having enough of their partners behaviour and then becoming angry, withdrawing or not caring for the other in the relationship. The end result could become destructive for the couple, by ignoring the spousal dispute. Couples often ignore issues with alcohol or affairs, to escape the problems. Infidelity or marital affairs and addictions can lead to more problems, if the couple do not sort it out issues. Therefore the betrayal and mistrust from cheating can escalate into further problems, until the relationship is too destructive.

Counselling for relationships in Perth

Perth Counselling and psychotherapy assists to build ones sense of self, so that individuals can feel stronger in whom they are and what they feel, so they become confident to make a stand for themselves, which makes a stand for a healthy relationship. Therefore, they feel stronger to deal with issues that works against them and the relationship. If, for whatever reason, issues cannot be resolved between a partnership, then couple counseling can assist to overcome marital discord, so issues  become communicated, so they do not get out of control and lead to marital breakdown. In couple therapy, partners learn strategies for de-escalating couple conflict and rebuild the couple bond.

Nancy Carbone           www.counsellinginperth.com.au

Couple Counsellor and Psychotherapist for relationship difficulties

For more details visit Facebook http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/ Twitter and LinkedIn

For more information about psychotherapy or marriage counselling in Perth contact Nancy on 0449 861 147 or use enquiry form below.[gravityform id=”1″ title=”true” description=”true”]