Anger Counselling in Perth

Find out how not registering our anger destroys relationships

Registering our anger is important, to protect ourselves. Healthy anger alerts us that something is wrong. Yet, many do not register when they feel upset or angry towards their partner, to protect their relationship. Avoiding that something upsets us, by denying our anger, means we cannot take care of selves to express our concerns, assert our needs, set limits and establish healthy boundaries.  So we end up feeling helpless, victimised or abused by others and feel justified by becoming angry in response. If we avoid facing issues that create harm to ourselves, then the anger becomes acted out, by ignoring to address it in the first place. Not registering how we feel, within ourselves, can be costly to oneself and our relationship.

Providing relationship counselling in Perth, Nancy Carbone has observed how many couples seek to recreate that loving feeling from honeymoon phase, by pleasing each other, so they can feel good by focusing on their partners needs. For the sake of the relationship they give up aspects of their own lives or  focus on spending all their time together, forgetting about themselves. Often couples avoid expressing their own needs or concerns in the relationship, since they do not want to jeopardise the relationship with couple conflict. Many couples mistakenly think that by pleasing their partner, they will get some reward or approval for their efforts, to feel loved back from their partner. However, when couples feel they’ve sacrificed aspects of their own life, given up themselves or let issues build by not addressing them, then anger can be felt towards their partner. Sometimes displaced angry feelings can be depicted when the partner stops caring, has mood swings, marital affairs or infidelity, withdrawals, uses addictions or gives up in the marriage.

Ignoring anger gets acted out into Passive Aggressive Behaviour

Borderline Couple Conflict

By denying ones anger, they end up acting out their anger in passive aggressive ways. In anger management counselling, one client felt it was hard to raise issues in his relationship, so drank to escape his anger towards his wife. The problem became his alcohol dependency which masked his feelings. So he acted out his anger by being abusive when he was drunk, not resolving the issues. Counselling assisted him to acknowledge the areas that caused him to be angry, by registering himself, so he raised these issues with his partner. As a result he didn’t need to get drunk and improved his relationship with his wife and kids.

Hostile and Volatile Couples

Avoiding raising relationship issues when they arise, means that the issues get out of hand and continue to escalate out of control. Until, the issues get out in the heat of the moment, coming out the wrong way, leading to explosive outbursts of anger or rage towards their partner. Often, heated tempers or aggressive reactions, such as blaming or yelling, can leave their partner feeling mistreated for no reason. Therefore, the real reason for being upset get’s lost. In anger counselling in Perth, many hostile and destructive fights occur because partners were not registering when they were not happy or not registering their own needs, until it was too late.

Healthy anger alerts us when something is wrong and needs to be addressed, so we can use it to assert ourselves and take care of our self.

Healthy anger tells us when something is not right, that we need to pay attention to what is going on within ourselves, so we can activate our own needs and stand up for ourselves, which also makes a stand for a healthy partnership. If we ignore that something in our relationship bothers us, causing us distress or violates us, then this only gets worse and creates more tension, unease and provokes anxiety. As a psychotherapist treating anger, Nancy has found that trying to keep the peace to protect the relationship can be self defeating and only works against developing true intimacy and building a strong connection. Ignoring what makes us angry can mean that the anger gets out of control, leading to despair, anxiousness, resentment or bitterness. The end result is marital discord or relationship breakdown issues.

Abuse

Some clients attend counselling when they’ve avoided facing issues for too long, that they lose control of their life. They become vulnerable  when they put up with  abuse, which depletes them, so they are unable to cope. Yet, the end result  of therapy is usually fixing the trail of damage to ones life, as a result of not registering ones  anger and registering ones needs, to take better care of ones self. Many masochistic and submissive clients become passive to face situations that evoke anger in them, but end up turning their anger inward, towards themselves. By not having a voice or strength to stand up for their self, they do not channel their anger into  protecting themselves,  by directing their  anger towards the source of the problem. Instead they blame themselves and  deny their  anger, so they cannot assert themselves.

Couples counselling

In marriage counselling Perth , many times, one partner has put up with addictions, drug use or alcohol abuse and let it go on for so long, not wanting to upset their partner by telling them how they feel. If they continue to placate them, they enable them to get away with their behavior. In fact, it teaches them, this is how I will allow you to treat me, so they get away with it and do not have to take responsibility for addressing their behavior. By being passive and denying the impact, means their partner stays in denial of the destruction of their behaviour. It only gets addressed once they’ve let it get out of hand and when they had enough and so the destruction becomes too problematic, causing distress. Sometimes it is too late and relationship breakdown causes their partner to end the relationship. As a counsellor in Perth, Nancy asks partners why they let these behaviors go on and not address it, if it made them so upset. Yet, often the partner would say: “if he loved me, I thought he would give it up, I was waiting for them to see how it hurt me and change”. Leaving control of your life in the hands of others is self defeating, and lets others control you. Taking care of one ’s self and setting limits on how you expect to be treated promotes a healthy family and marriage. Having boundaries, self respect and knowing what behaviors one cannot tolerate, allows us to take better care of ourselves, builds more intimate relationships and reduces marital tension couples conflict issues. In therapy, many will not register their own self or their needs, to know something upsets them, until it’s too late. These individuals, who lack a coherent sense of self, require counselling to assist them get more in touch with themselves, so they can take better care of themselves and take control of their own lives. Hence, building their sense of self to cope with issues.

Counselling for Anger in Perth

In Perth couples counselling, partners remain fearful of raising issues because they fear the reaction of their partner, causing them to have a rage or a temper, so they avoid raising issues. Often they are taken the wrong way and misinterpreted, as being critical. Sometimes partners raise issues in the heat of the moment when their upset, causing a flare up of angry outburst. Couples therapy assists spouses to express themselves in a way that invites an attuned response from their partner, so that they can resolve all kinds of marital issues and repair the couple bond. Whereas, those who want to resolve repetitive relationship patterns, often decide to do individual counselling, for relationship counselling. So they can work through their own part contributing to their relational dynamic. Anger counselling can assist individuals to work through and resolve angry feelings,  so it does not  get discharged onto others and destroy loving relationships. The more anger is denied, the more it is plays out in our relationships. Take responsibility for anger and overcome destructive relationship patterns that cause stuckness.

Counsellor and Psychotherapist

Counselling in Perth

Nancy Carbone

For anger management counselling , contact Nancy on 0449 861 147 or send an enquiry on the enquiry form

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