How do those who suffer a Borderline Personality Disorder perpetuate abandonment in relationships?

Counselling for Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline disorder individuals exhaust and burn out relationships, until others give up and abandon them. They feel uncared for and mistreated as victims.

First let begin with how the Borderline syndrome came about.  How can a mother, who cares too much, co-create a borderline dynamic in her child? When the child explores their own ‘self,’ by moving away from the mother, the mother feels separation anxiety and holds on to her child, so the child feels frustrated and gets upset because they want to explore or play. The mother sees the child angry and walks away, abandoning the child. In this moment, the mother misreads the child cues, as not wanting her, so walks off.  According to James Masterson, the mother feels abandoned and so the mother abandons the child for discovering their self’. The baby needs the mother to support their play and exploration while refuelling them, to give them the libidinal support that their real self requires. Instead, as result of these repeated parent-infant interactions, their real self never fully emerges. So the baby becomes fixated at finding ways to cling to the mother needs, to not be abandoned. This creates the beginning of a clinging dependency relationship on the mother. Gradually the child forgoes their own self to be close to the mother. So, instead of developing confidence in themselves, they depend and need their mother, to avoid fears of abandonment. These children can appear happy and compliant when meeting the parent’s needs.

Usually the mothers are pre-occupied with them, as children, so they easily get drawn into their tantrums, giving into them, to avoid their own separation anxiety or discomfort when they’re upset. Yet, the child learns how to get their way with the parent and take control over the parent, who feels exacerbated at giving into their needs. The more the mother runs around pleasing them, the more frustrated the parent becomes. Nothing they do can be enough to satisfy them, they want more or demand more of the parent. If you give an inch, they will take a mile. Eventually, these mothers can end up angry or reactive, when they feel their borderline child or teenager is free loading, expecting a lot of support or caretaking. The Borderline gets angry at the parent when they finally say no or not give into them. This perpetuates the cycle of creating guilt in the parent to back down and give in, again.

The truth is, the Borderline learned how to get away with their behavior, the more the parent gave into them and not set limits, boundaries or said no. So, they enabled the Borderline to get away with their regressive behavior by rescuing, supporting and doing things for them, so they learned to depend on the parent and feel helpless to function for themselves.

How the Borderline burns out relationships, feeling mistreated and abandoned.

The dependency on the parents leads the borderline to not be able to take care of themselves, so they elicit their partner to take care of them, not responsible for themselves. They will project that their partner does not care about them when they stop giving in to them and become angry, as they try to find ways to draw him into looking after them, being manipulative, by perpetuating a dependency relationship on them. Their partners often feel exhausted or exacerbated at running around after them, helping them or supporting them and get to the point they do not care or had enough, by cutting off or becoming abusive, the same way the mother did.   So, Borderlines constantly experience others as mean, controlling them, telling them off, taking over and not caring when they cut off or abandon them, when they’ve had enough or  burnt out with them.  So, they constantly relive the feeling of abandonment, felt originally with the mother. After giving into them constantly, partners become angry and frustrated at them, often attacking them and perpetuating how bad the Borderline feels about themselves. Sometimes the more you care, the worse they get.

Sometimes you need to let go of worrying about them, to see they can eventually look after themselves, this is how they get better. Sometimes we need to face the fact that something within us gets hooked into them, perhaps our own separation anxiety or fear of abandonment, while getting drawn into worrying about them. Sometimes parents or loved ones need therapy to address this dynamic, so they can let go, without cutting off abruptly, because they’ve had enough.

Borderlines burn out relationships with everyone, then feel victimised and abandoned all over again, jumping in and out of relationships. They fall in and out of jobs, often  leaving abruptly because of interpersonal difficulties with their bosses or colleagues.  They often expect a lot of support and being told what to do, and struggle with taking responsibility to learn. When they get constructive feedback, they often feel told off or bullied,  beat themselves up and give up, rather than seeing it as an opportunity to learn from it. They do not have enough resources or strength in their real self, to get them through life challenges. They effectively run out of fuel.

The Borderline evokes therapists to give up and reject them.

The Borderline needs a therapist, partner or parent to not get drawn into their regressive pull for support or care taking, as this perpetuates their dependency and helplessness. Instead the Masterson approach focuses on the Borderlines real impaired self, that is underdeveloped and assists them to grow up and face reality, by taking responsibility for themselves, not clinging to others to do things for them or care for them.

Borderlines will develop healthier relationships once they do things for themselves, so they do not drain the life force out of people. Unfortunately, many therapist’s get drawn into rescuing and taking over their life for them, so they do not get better but get worse in therapy. I have seen many Borderlines who have tried every treatment, with years of therapy, but actually get worse, as they hook their therapist into taking care of them. The treatment goes  now where, where therapists give up or reject them by referring them out. The Borderline needs a strong therapist who can withstand their attacks, to be able to confront their regressive acts about how they sabotage their self by perpetuating their dependency, and how this works against them, their real self. A Masterson therapist assists the borderline to develop their real self, to meet their own goals and take care of themselves, by dealing with their projections and abandonment feelings.

Nancy Carbone is a counsellor and psychotherapist, specialised in the treatment of borderline personality disorder from the International Masterson Institute in New York. She has 17 years experience in counselling and has helped many individuals and couples, with  relationship disturbances. She has provided training to other therapists in the disorders of self.