Ever feel you push away your partners until they leave you?  Do you become suspicious or paranoid they could be cheating or find someone better? Do you hold on tight to your relationship, so they do not leave? Do you focus so much on your relationship and forget about yourself? Do you sacrifice yourself for the sake of your relationship, at the determent of   yourself? Relying on your relationship, as the source of need fulfilment, can mean  your needs are not met. Many forgo meeting their own needs, expecting others to meet them and end up feeling rejected or alone.

Counselling for a fear of Abandonment

Why do we sabotage ourselves and relationships? Our past relationships, with care givers, forms the templates for our later relationships. It sets the pathway for how we behave and relate to others. The emotional pain that is forgotten becomes acted out in our behavior, reliving earlier pain that remains unresolved within us.

  For instance,  in a hypothetical scenario, John forgets the pain of his abandonment and abuse from his mother, but gets angry towards his girlfriend for going out  and leaving him alone. So his anger towards his mother was denied and projected out towards women in his life. His clingy, controlling and possessive behaviour towards his girlfriend, was a way to avoid these abandonment feelings. Whereas, when John complied to his mother’s needs, he was approved, loved and taken care of, for giving up his self.  This became the template for love, that guided the way he related to women in his life. John expected support, love and approval for his compliance, when sacrificing his needs to please others to stay connected, giving up himself. Removing his defensive behavior allowed him to face the pain of the abandonment feelings, give up the fantasy of expecting love for giving up himself, so he could begin to express his real self, meet his own needs and overcome his clinginess. John can be described as having borderline personality disorder.

Many are afraid of intimacy with mistrust and jealousy due to fears of rejection and feeling unlovable. Many have felt rejected for their needs, when they were not met as children, so fear getting hurt or being close because it is too scary, so they unknowingly sabotage their relationships, pushing it to end.  So they relive the feeling of abandonment.

How a counsellor prevents insecurity causing relationship  break up

With a relationship counsellor in Perth, discover how the  coping strategies we use to protect us from  pain, can end up   working against us in our present relationships. Perth  Counselor services can assist dismantle these defensive coping styles, so true intimacy can develop.

Psychotherapist for secure relationships

Nancy Carbone offers Relationship Counselling. For more details visit Facebook  http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/ Twitter and LinkedIn