How to recover from infidelity and Affairs?

Marital affairs destroy relationships, yet many couples do not seek help for relationship issues until infidelity has occurred.  Once adultery has occurred the betrayal and mistrust leaves their partner heartbroken, yet many fail to recognize the signs of an affair and enable it to continue by denying it is happening. Many partners collude with the affair taking place, by ignoring the signs of  cheating or let it continue by giving their partner chances, by taking them back without addressing the issues in relationship counselling or couples counselling in Perth.

What are the signs your partner is cheating?

You suspect your partner is up to no good, you find out he or she is lying about their whereabouts or who they’re with. They may find excuses to be away, more than usual, with urgent work  commitments and taking time away from the family. You may have heard something or found overly flirtatious messages. When you ask them, their story does not add up or seem to make sense. They avoid talking about it, walking off, or tell you that you are nagging them or insecure. One clear sign of cheating is when the partner cannot openly talk about the situation; if they are innocent they should be able to give you a clear explanation. If they’re hiding something, they will avoid the topic or find ways to encourage their partner not to bring it up or talk about it, so their partner feels they are paranoid and shouldn’t bring it up. Some men convince their partners they have a jealously issue, so they  feel shutdown or fear their partner will leave, if they bring it up. So they end up appeasing the cheating partner and let them get away with the affair, unknowingly. One client said, I knew it, but didn’t want to acknowledge it was true, I didn’t want my life to change or admit what we had was gone. Whereas, there are instances where some partners fear abandonment, and these partners will overly look into things that are not there, and these clients are jealous for no reason, they require therapy, otherwise they push their relationships to end, by being insecure and controlling. These individuals may have relationship dependency issues or borderline personality traits.

Relationship Breakdown After an Affair

The thought of a partner cheating is anxiety provoking and causes marital breakdown. The betrayal and deception can be painful to deal with on ones own. Many clients will say their partner gave no clue that they were unhappy and the thought of losing them is absolutely painful to imagine, causing despair and depression. For this reason, many become shocked when the person they love and adore is actually the person who is putting on a front and deceiving them, with lies and betrayal. Yet, ignoring what is going on makes it worse and harder to deal with, without seeing a relationships counselor to work through the issues, so one can move forward. Without dealing with it, the overwhelming hurt can prevent them from coping and functioning in daily life.

So, what causes a seemingly loving and caring partner to become unfaithful?  How can one partner pretend to be happy and cover up what is really going on for them? How come their spouse had no idea? What causes affairs to happen? How can a perfectly loyal and devoted husband suddenly become the person you no longer trust?

Narcissistc fragmentation

In relational counselling, many women become surprised to hear the truth behind their partners perfect facade. In fact, many men cannot reveal their vulnerabilities and hurt towards their partner, out of shame and humiliation. Often, an aloof exterior masks what is really going on underneath.  Many feel she should have known how they felt, when they started withdrawing. Some men felt too ashamed to reveal how inadequate they felt when their wife could no longer respond to them in the same manner, as honeymoon phase, when the idealised fusion created a state of ecstasy between them. Realistic demands and life makes it hard to keep up their illusion of perfection. All of sudden, kids and routines take over and the intimacy disappears, leaving the man to feel deflated and wanting to feel that thrill again. Often their partner sees the cracks and the prefect glow is gone, causing a break in the narcissistic fusion, other times the man does not know how  to get close. It is easier to get his needs met elsewhere, then expose how terrible he is feeling, so he decides to smooth over the pain to seek instant gratification, to protect himself from how he is feeling. He may feel rejected when his sexual advances are ignored, feeling no longer important or loved. To escape the pain, he may feel entitled to have an affair because his wife is no longer perfectly attuned to his needs anymore, acting out his anger and aggression towards his partner. This can occur during a midlife crisis, when all of a sudden one does not feel so good. He may put all his attention in work to feel important in order to get the recognition he longs for.  Suddenly, going out, distancing, having fun or drinking becomes the norm . Yet leading a double life or secret life with adultery, always ends badly and never heals the real wounds that are there. Sexual acting out, provides  temporary comfort, but it masks the  underlying issues and destroys relationships. It is no different to  taking drugs, it make you feel good in that moment, but doesn’t deal with the feelings, it is not a real cure.  When the honeymoon glow disappears, eventually the next partner will disappoint them, and so on. These destructive patterns of relating keep repeating itself, until these men sort themselves out in therapy. Many face difficulties having real intimacy, floating between lovers to avoid exposing themselves, as a deeper connection creates feelings of vulnerability. Many want to keep chasing that spark but can never really get close and intimate to anyone.

Relationship Counsellor for infidelity

How does relationship therapy assist a couple to recover from an affair? Firstly marriage counselling can assist if the affair is over. Their partner requires the support of therapy so they remain strong enough to not put up with an affair, if it happens again, this needs to be clear and the cheating partner has to be made accountable to address the underlying issues.  That means owning up and taking responsibility, while being honest and truthful. Therapy for couples does not support a cheating partner to cover up his lies and secrets. Marital counselling is useful if the cheating partner is wanting to work on the marriage after the betrayal.

If a man is uncertain that he does not want to give up the affair, it is suggested he undertake individual counselling in Perth. Often a woman will want her partner to come to marriage counselling to get them back, but firstly, is the man willing to come back? Some men become obsessed with the affair and hide this, in fact, some stay in their marriage as a backup plan, if the affair does not work out. Others will just want a casual fling on the side and have no desire to leave their wife. Some will be remorseful and want to work it out, which is a good factor for couples counseling. Some women need to address their pain and heartache, in individual therapy, to move forward, if she feels uncertain the affair is over.  It is not healthy to live with mistrust. If it is obvious your partner has turned his attention elsewhere and not interested in your relationship, then perhaps you need to see a psychotherapist to explore why you are putting up with this or cannot let go.

For information regarding couples counselling or individual therapy for relationship difficulties call 0449 861147 or use the quick consultation form

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