Counselling for Self Defeating Behaviour in Perth

Counselling for Borderline Personality Disorder in Perth

Self defeating personalities are those who constantly do things that work against themselves, sabotaging themselves by shooting themselves in the foot.  They ignore opportunities to better themselves or help themselves. They constantly select situations or partners that cause them to suffer or become mistreated. They ignore opportunities that lead to their success or happiness, since they don’t believe they deserve this and feel worthless or unlovable.So they take whatever they can get in life, even if it is destructive for them, sacrificing themselves with an abusive narcissistic relationship, to avoid the fear of abandonment. They’re more invested in making others happy or pleasing them to get approval, so they can hope to get rewarded by love or appreciation, so they can feel good enough for others. Yet they constantly end up feeling angry or resentful when their efforts are not returned, when they do not get approval or others take advantage from them, by feeling used or abused. So their efforts to feel good enough constantly work against them and become self destructive. They constantly feel victimised and defeated. Often they sacrificed themselves by giving up everything (country, job), to get the love from their partner. So they are overly invested in others and not themselves, so their relationships become their primary focus. They often want couples counselling services or relationship counselling services.  They do not register their self or what they need.  So they do not go for what will enhance their life, because they strive to get love or approval and focusing on themselves leaves them feeling alone, abandoned or guilty.

They never felt good when focusing on themselves, bettering themselves. Often they were punished or abandoned for focusing on themselves as children; meanwhile they were rewarded for regression, when giving up themselves by pleasing the mother by focusing on her needs. So the mother did not offer support or love when the child initiated their self, but withdrew love or libidinal supplies, so child felt bad or abandoned when they turned their attention away from focusing on the mothers needs. So they never got to explore their self and refuelled for it, so it was not developed to grow. So the child was abandoned for this. This pervasive self defeating pattern, of getting love when focusing on others needs, is enacted throughout their adult relationships, so the self stays impaired, without having libidinal supplies or strength to carry them through life. They lack the internal resources inside to back themselves or push themselves to achieve tasks and complete things. So they often give up, leave their job in fits of anger because they didn’t get the approval or recognition they wanted when they do not feel acknowledged for their efforts or loyalty. They are either all loyal, self sacrificing by giving and pleasing to their boss to having anger reactions by giving up or quitting their job when they didn’t get the returns they expected. Yet they do not see how it impacts them to make impulsive actions based on rage, without thinking it through. They are not in touch with their anger when they need to be, so they often do things that benefit others not themselves and  then act out their aggression when they’ve had enough, feeling mistreated.

Masochistic Self Destructive Behaviour

They struggle with asserting their rights, needs, standing up for themselves or having boundaries. They fear conflict will offend others and be abandoned, so they avoiding raising issues by avoiding couples conflict. Often acting self sacrificial, a martyr, being  passive or submissive, they do not have a strong conviction in themselves, to know what they want or need. So they accommodate others, even if it works against them. So they enable themselves to become mistreated, used or put up with things they shouldn’t in destructive relationships.  When life gets out of control, their life goes downhill, as a result of hoping to get something back or expecting some reward (approval, love) from others, by giving them what they need.

Self destructive borderline personality disorder

Many lose themselves and become completely vulnerable when they let others take control of their life, especially when they encounter a partner who has narcissism. So they often suffer depressive episodes when they end up depressed, hopeless, with constant anxiety, worry or panic about being in crisis. Thinking about themselves evokes too much anxious thoughts and depression hits, so they avoid focusing on themselves, by pleasing others to feel better, and so the destructive cycle continues. Often denial and avoidance keeps them from taking responsibility. The more they avoid managing their life, the further they regress and spiral downwards in self destruction or chaos. So they avoid by seeking instant gratification, finding comforts or escape by using drugs, alcohol, acting reckless, self harm, sexual acting out, infidelity or become suicidal. In therapy all of these self destructive  acting  out behaviours need to be eliminated to get to the self.

Masochistic, dependent, borderline or self defeating personalities suffer a lack of sense of self or belief in themselves, so instead of investing in themselves, they invest too much in pleasing others. They will help others and fail to help themselves. The cost for seeking love can mean they will put up with mistreatment, to ward off anxieties of being alone. Becoming masochistic, they often sacrifice themselves, put up with suffering and staying in crisis because it keeps them attached, with the illusion of being loved. They would rather be in a relationship, because it is less anxiety provoking then being alone. Many others feel rewarded in crisis when others rescue by showing they care. In relationships they look for the perfect care taker, who can look after them.

Help me, I cannot help myself

They are looking for the reward for their regressed behaviour. But having attention or help means they get rewarded for being in crisis or staying helpless, so they regress further and rely on others to pull them out. Often others will offer to help or rescue and their attempts to help are ignored. Yet, they masochistically get pleasure from suffering and enjoy others worrying and showing they care. So they get secondary gain from a lot of support during crisis, but do nothing about helping themselves. They do not get better this way but feel better. In fact, others rescuing or offering support, often keeps them suck in dependency relationships, where they fail to self activate for themselves and prevents them from their own growth and development.  Having people bail them out means they don’t have to pick themselves up. Self defeating disorders complain but do nothing to change their situations. They like the support from others, to feel wanted and cared for, but reject their help and advice, by choosing to stay stuck, then do things to get out of crisis. So they sabotage themselves from getting better. Eventually, others give up on them,  get angry or furious at them, when they become too hard to deal with. It becomes exhausting to constantly be helping those who will not help themselves. So self defeating personalities or borderline disorders constantly face abandonment, and think people do not care, not seeing how they push people away and sabotage relationships.

Yet, when life improves or they get better from self activating, they do not feel good about themselves, feeling bad, guilty or abandoned and will sabotage themselves, so they get worse. James Masterson calls this the borderline triad of self activation leads to abandonment depression, which leads to defence (regression). They will avoid therapy or make it difficult for them to attend, so they do not get better. They do not realise they can actually have real satisfaction from investing in helping themselves, where they can acquire healthy self esteem, self respect and foster healthier relationships. Yet, this means that counselling these self defeating patients is about bringing into their awareness the denial of their regressive self destructive behaviour. Therapy is not about rewarding their regression by giving extra support, but confronting their acting out behaviours, so they can see the cost to their actual life, and getting them to own their behaviour and take responsibility for it.  Unlike other counsellors in Perth, Nancy Carbone does not get caught into their regressive hooks by rewarding them in crisis, but assists to mobilize their actual self, so they can pull themselves out of misery and despair by facing their situation that causes them unease. Many therapists get pulled into giving into them, so the patient feels good but never gets better. Masterson psychotherapy does the opposite, the therapist does not get drawn into rewarding their regressive behaviour.

Borderline Personality Disorder Counselling Perth

Providing counselling in Perth, Nancy assists these borderline acting out disorders to  take control of their own life, rather than investing in others and expecting them to reward them for their efforts, which actually contributes to their own self destruction and prevents them progressing. In psychotherapy, these self defeating personalities are unaware of the impact of their resistances to change and getting better. They do not see how they sabotage themselves and feel helpless to change their life. They need a strong therapist to stand up to them, not give into their tantrums to back down or give up,  but offer them support to  stand up for  their real self. The therapy provides the backbone for building the foundations of the self. As an active therapist, Nancy assists to manage the painful affects that come with facing abandonment and feeling bad when focusing on themselves, so they do not get swept back into the regressive patterns of expecting reward from regression or giving up on themselves. As a counsellor, Nancy resists the regressive pulls to avoid facing their self, by managing the distractions (martial affairs, addictions, sexual acting out) that get in the way from mobilising the self.  Once the resistance is out of the way, the individual is free to work on areas in their own life, which foster self enhancement and improvement.

Nancy Carbone

Masterson Counselling in Perth

Counsellor and Psychotherapist for individuals and couples

For more details visit Facebook http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/ Twitter and LinkedIn

If you feel self defeating, do things that work against you or are overly invested in your relationships then yourself, then counselling can deal with this. Contact Nancy on 0449 861 147 or use the enquiry form below:

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