Signs your dealing with a narcissist

Many individuals feel a sense of bewilderment when dealing with a narcissist, they can begin a relationship feeling that they’ve met the person of their dreams, and then feel discarded and devalued by them once things do not go their way. So, what are signs your dealing with narcissist?

At the initial stages of a relationship, many become captivated by the charming demeanour of a narcissist, when they’re lured into a relationship with them. During the love bombing phase, a narcissist presents a false persona that portrays to be what the other is looking for in a partner, with their  ‘false self’, as a way to seek narcissistic supplies and win them over. However, the relationship quickly shifts from idealisation to devaluation, once they’ve hocked someone into a relationship.  Here are some signs your dealing with a narcissist

You will be treated very well, as  long as you serve their needs, meet their high expectations, agree with them or go along with what they want from you, serving a narcissistic supply. Once the supplies run out or you no longer serve a function for them, have a different opinion, expose that they’re not perfect or not mirror how perfect they are, then the narcissist will discard you.

They lack empathy for others and make everything about them. You will feel pressure or feel your not doing enough for them

You will  lose your confidence, doubt yourself and think that you’re wrong, believing that  they know better, even though deep down you know this is not true.

Raising issues with a narcissist causes a narcissistic injury and triggers painful feelings of inadequacy. It often causes them to attack back, by devaluing the injuring partner, to protect themselves from feeling judged, shamed or humiliated.  Avoiding blows to the grandiose (superior) self means they will gaslight, discard, or devalue  others, in order to defensively keep their self esteem afloat, otherwise they come crashing down and hit hard. They have no way to manage hits to their self esteem, and cannot self-regulate their self esteem, without using narcissistic supplies ( porn, addiction, affairs,winning, beauty, wealth) in order to feel better.

Narcissists pressure for supplies, by getting people to give them what they want, otherwise they can use forceful means to do so. You will be discarded or devalued in some way, if you do not go along with them.

They expect others to read their mind (one mindedness)  or know how they feel, instead of expressing themselves. They also perceive that others think the same way they do, but disown these unwanted aspects within themselves. For instance, they often think others are ruthless, exploitive, inadequate or cheating, by not acknowledging these aspects about themselves.

They become disappointed when others do not acknowledge how important they are. They want others to admire them, prioritise them or provide perfect understanding. Many will expect that their partner responds to all their needs or expectations.

The partner or child becomes a narcissistic extension of their own self esteem, so they require others to be perfect in order to avoid feeling inadequate. So, they pressure others to perform and impose their high standards upon them, by moulding them to be exactly like them, so they can reflect how good they are. They will seek to change their partner, improve their appearance or the way they do things. They will be overly critical and harsh when others do not resonate with their idealised expectations. So, they will impose their views or ways of doing things, as the right way. Others are left with no room to be themselves or they’re devalued in some way.

If you are less then perfect in their eyes or not exciting to them, they will have no need for you, they feel that they need more (supplies) , often finding fault in the other person or feeling entitled to have affairs because the partner is not fulfilling their empty self. However, they will often turn it around as if there is something wrong with the partner, they do not measure up to be the perfect partner who meets all their needs of the grandiose self. They exhibit a false  grandiose self, that feels superior and above others. Anyone who do does not treat them this way will be devalued or discarded. In many ways they’re caught in the illusion of their own grandiosity (superiority) and believe their own grandiose fantasies, expecting special treatment or winning at all costs.

Often, the narcissist expects the partner to be fused with their needs and expectations, like an infant that expects their mother to be fused with their needs, by providing  perfect attunement and mirroring their gaze . The infant expects the mother to automatically know how they feel, since the mother is in a state of symbiotic fusion with her infant, a sense of oneness, whereby the infant depends on the mother to meet her every need and respond accordingly. In actual fact, the narcissist is developmentally stuck at this stage of fusion with the mother, so they depend on others to respond to their every need, because they haven’t separated from the mother. As a result they struggle to see that others have a separate mind to them, expecting others to be on the same page or share the same mind. They appear to struggle the most when others do not share the same views, disagree or do not understand them (break in fusion). It almost feels like a misattuned mother, failing to respond to their needs or provide perfect understanding,  when one does not meet their expections.

Narcissists had misattuned parents who never responded to their real strivings, of the ‘real self,’ or their vulnerable emotions. So, they remain fused with others in order to validate them, since they do not have enough libidinal investment in their real self to do this for themselves. Essentially, they rely on the narcissistic supplies from  others to hold them up and keep them afloat. They cannot do this for themselves, due to the lack of support for their real self. Whereby their real self was never able to emerge or become separate, by developing a cohesive mind of their own. They remain fused with others to provide them with supplies, since they did not receive the emotional refuelling for their real self, in order to develop healthy self esteem. So they’re remain reliant on others to refuel them with supplies, in order to fill the empty self (impaired real self).

The narcissist expects admiration for being perfect and seeks supplies otherwise they will disregard their partner who disappoints them.  They feel intense frustration that their idealised expectations of others do not get met, because they’re left facing the inadequate feelings underling their real impaired self. Often those who are empathic end up  in relationships with narcissists, but end up feeling used and abused by them. Some individuals with narcissistic personality disorder can modify their behaviour, if they manage their feelings with the deflation of the grandiose self, re-aligning their expectations and being able to tolerate the hits to their grandiosity self by listening to others. They can only gain empathy if they give up their defensive armour. However, the malignant or grandiose narcissists usually present in a manner to win people over and confuse therapists with their false self, so that they do not get found out, these are the hardest ones to change, they do not own their behaviour, but cover up with liars and manipulation, blame and inflate their grandiose self when injured. They will convince you they’re right. Be careful and listen to yourself, otherwise you will lose your self sense of self and allow yourself to become appropriated by a narcissist. Marriage counselling can also dismantle to the defences and get to the underlying vulnerability, for those who recognize they have an issue. Couples counselling assists partners with ways of communicating with them, so that they can be heard.  Counselling in Melbourne can offer counselling to the narcissists, to address the underlying issues in order to eradicate their behaviour long-term..

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The causes of narcissism

Parents who are narcissistic want their child to fuse with their needs and expectations, since they have not had their infantile strivings met.  James Masterson describes the manifest narcissist (exhibitionist or grandiose) child as being idealised or admired by the parents, since they lived up to the parents standards, or made the parent feel special. They were given supplies for mirroring the parents grandiosity, being perfect in their eyes. These children were adored and idealised, who the parents protected since they were the apple of their eye. They were able to do whatever they wanted because they made the parent feel proud, so they got away with a lot and never had to face consequences. Yet, these narcissists often expect partners to treat them special by mirroring their grandiosity. They become disappointed when  others do not mirror how perfect they are or supply them. They blame the relationship as not giving them what they need ( like the infant expecting their mother to be fused with their needs). They have not let go of their infantile needs, expecting mirroring supplies and fusion with their needs).Therefore, they are over entitled and expect too much in relationships, but pressure for more supplies. They never had to live with realistic limits and they often see that the world should evolve around their needs.

The parents of the grandiose narcissists did not provide empathic attunement for the fall of the grandiosity, whereby they child realises that the world is not oyster, that they are not invincible or cannot do whatever they want. These parents protect their child from feeling crushed, since others are wrong, their child is perfect and can do no wrong. The child grows up thinking that they’re the best and struggles to adjust when they realise they’re not the best, deflating.

Therefore, the grandiosity of the manifest narcissist has not been modulated in accordance of reality, but the false grandiosity self remains overly inflated. They want to continue to live this way, by feeling entitled to have whatever they want, living the high life, seeking the thrill of the chase, living the dream of the grandiose fantasy. The world comes crashing down when they do not get what they want and struggle to cope in the face of criticism or blows in life, which deflates the grandiose self, abruptly.

According to James Masterson, parents who are narcissistic want their child to mirror how perfect they are, by being perfect reflection of themselves. They pressure their child to be perfect, so they feel good about themselves and disapprove the child for not measuring up, causing them to feel inadequate. Children were shamed or humiliated for expressing themselves or learned to hide their emotions since was not acceptable. They developed a ‘false self’ that had to appear perfect and hide their real impaired self, that felt flawed when exposed.

The narcissists either feel grandiose or perfect when getting mirroring supplies, otherwise they feel empty and inadequate. They never had their ‘real self’ accepted and their vulnerable feelings became shut down as children, so they do not know how to express their ‘real self’, in order to have a real connection. Therefore, their partner does not get to see their hurt and vulnerability, because they defensively protect themselves from the shame and humiliation of their ‘real self’

According to Masterson, the closet narcissist on the other hand, obtained the devaluing projections from the parent, feeling inadequate that they could not measure up, when failing to mirror the parents grandiosity. They felt that no matter how much they tried, it was never enough to win the approval of the parent, so they tried hard to be perfect, in order to win others approval, by overly investing in the object in order to get supplies from them, in order to feel grandiose or perfect. They hide their sense of inadequacy by associating with an idealised partner who makes them feel special, to cover their flaws. They spend a lot of time living up to others expectations in order to feel good enough in their eyes, and need others to approve of them, otherwise they feel empty and inadequate. They are overly invested in others, so they feel grandiose or prefect in the eyes of the idealising other, fusing with their  idealised expections. They become validated or approved in the eyes of the idealised object. They fall apart without the idealised partner and cannot function without their supplies, so they please their partner and impress them, in order to win them over. When the relationships ends, they can pressure their partner to stay in order to convince them to come back, since they rely on them to hold up their self-esteem. They can be controlling, possessive and jealous in relationships. They will often ignore signs of abuse or infidelity because it is too painful to acknowledge, since they want to stay fused with the idealised image of their partner, instead. They often give up their ‘self’ in order to fuse with others expections or be on the same page as them. So they will agree with those whom they look up to, taking on board their views, fusing with their expectations. They felt perfect when meeting the expections of others and felt empty or inadequate activating their real self or expressing their self. They strive to be prefect for the idealised other, in order to make them proud or win their approval, often ignoring issues in their marriage, in order to stay fused with their partner. They become disappointed with the idealised object falls off the pedestal, losing their supply.

Having a relationship with a narcissist

When in the grandiose unit, the narcissist expects that their partner will mirror their grandiosity and reflect how perfect they are, otherwise they devalue the relationship. Whenever partners do not meet these expectations, the narcissist feels disappointment in their partner. They react in the following ways.

• The narcissist feels empty without supplies. They inflate their self or grandiosity so they feel better  and escape the empty or inadequate feelings (addictions, porn, affairs, being competitive, distractions).
• When injured by their partner, they will prove how good they are by defending themselves to avoid judgement, and devalue partners by deflecting blame so that others are wrong.
• Narcissist can feel bored and empty and seek constant excitement. Yet, they blame their partner for being boring or not compatible, when they are not getting supplies, wanting a more exciting partner. The grandiose narcissist seeks constant supplies (beauty, wealth, approval, admiration).
• Love is about making them feel special, not about the other person. It is a one-way relationship. Eventually, they will discard partners who do not fulfil their supplies or who expose who they really are. They will devalue and cut off from the relationship to avoid feeling hurt. They cut off from their feelings, so they never feel vulnerable or get close to anyone.
• They can be envious and will devalue their partner, so they stand out, in front of them. They will make devaluing comments to remind them that they are better, to keep them in their place.

The narcissists are still stuck in the practicing sub phase of Margaret Mahler’s model, fused with others and not able to separate, like an infant that is dependent on the parent to meet its every need or understand their pain. Like an infant, they seek constant supplies or attunement in order to meet their every need, since they have not been able to become individuated or separate. They’re still feel fused with others, sharing one mind, not realising others have their own mind, thinking that others see the world the way they do. They struggle when others do not share the same view, do not provide perfect attunement or mirror them, since they’re left with their real impaired self. They feel the pain when they realise that others are not fused with them, by taking on their views or sharing the same mind. They often project the contents of their mind on to others, perceiving that others think the way they do. A man who has affairs will often project that his wife is having affairs. A man who is exploitive will project that others are using him. For the narcissists, they disown the aspects that are difficult to face within themselves, but see these traits in others, finding fault in them instead. Often the wife or business partner is seen to have the problem, rather than owning them within themselves. So, the Narcissist has difficulty with reality testing and often makes mistakes in relationships. They live a life according to their grandiose self, by making risky financial decisions because they live according to their grandiose fantasies rather than live in accordance with reality.

When they hit blows in life, they often deflate their grandiose self and fall hard, looking for ways to inflate their grandiosity or pick themselves up. Often they escape the pain of not feeling grandiose. Otherwise, they become shutdown and cannot function. The grandiose narcissist did not have the parent modulate the fall of their grandiosity, so they could not handle knocks or blows to their self-esteem. They do not know how to express their real self, show their real feelings or vulnerabilities, so they struggle with having a real connection. Instead, they chase the supply to feel instant gratification. If they come to terms with their real self, they will collapse in a heap or fall apart, that is why they require the therapeutic attunement of a therapist who can modulate the deflation of the grandiose self, in order to manage the pain of coming to terms with their real self.

Can therapy heal a narcissist?

Can therapy help a narcissist? Narcissist are good at covering up who they really are, in order to maintain their supplies. They will act like the victim or believe their grandiose delusions. If you are considering taking back a narcissist, ask yourself, are they really trying to change? The question is:  are they trying to win you back or are they wanting to take ownership for addressing their problems? For change to occur they cannot deflect blame, but start to own up to their mistakes.  However, they must face the deflation of their grandiose self, to get in touch with their real impaired self. Narcissist change when the world stops evolving around them, where they have to give up the false grandiose self, give up supplies, but face their feelings and deal with their actions. This involves the therapeutic holding of a therapist who ca manage the deflation of their self esteem, so they do not Those who have worked on themselves have had to deal with the fall of their grandiose self and realise they cannot keep obtaining supplies. Therapy provides the anchor for them to modulate their harsh self-representation and regulates healthy self-esteem. If you are encountering narcissistic abuse, perhaps it is time you heal yourself and work through that part of you that feels worthless without love.

Nancy Carbone is a Counselor as well as Couples Therapist. She specialises in working with personality disorders from the Psychoanalytic International Masterson Institute in New York. You can follow her at http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/and Facebook