How a marriage counsellor can prevent relationship breakdown?
When marital issues occur, it provides an opportunity to work on defensive relationship patterns with a marriage counselor. Many couples avoid counselling for marriage problems because they feel they can sort issues out on the own. Our human blinds spots prevent us from seeing our behavior that contributes to marital discord. Many of our relationship patterns remain out of our conscious awareness, so we do not see our part we play. The ways couples cope prevents them dealing with the issues and resolving them, on their own. These self-protection reactions alleviate pain, but work against them and their relationship. It is vital for couples to see how they each contribute towards their couple dynamic, to see how they get stuck, in order to move forward as a married couple.
What Causes a marriage to break up?
Repressing yourself to avoid conflict – pleasing your partner
Many couples see a marital counsellor when they realize they have not been themselves during their marriage, but reacting in ways to minimize conflict or please their spouse, until they become resentful for what they’ve missed out on. Fearing conflict, they become shut down and do not register themselves to assert themselves in the relationship.
Bringing up issues when one has had enough – reacting or nagging
Many avoid raising issues until the problems get out of control. So they raise issues when their upset, in the heat of the moment, since they do not know how to raise them when they occur, until it is too late and comes out the wrong way.
Not contributing in the relationship and taking on responsibility
Many spouses seek a couples counselor when they feel their needs have not been met and end up unconsciously resenting their partner for it. They act out passive forms of anger with resistance towards the relationship, by not participating in house hold chores, not contributing economically, while others withdraw and distance by not caring or not showing an interest in the relationship
Miscuing their partner about ones needs, hoping they read their mind – avoiding direct communication
Marital discord can originate from partners not being clear in expressing what they need or feel, so their needs do not get met and resentment builds. Couples who do not register their self, miscue their partner about what they actually need, so their needs get dismissed by their partner. Many magically hope their partner will pick up what they need or how they feel, without realising that no one can read their mind or attend to their needs this way, so they often feel misunderstood by their partner. Many make the common mistake: “If he loves me, he will automatically know what I need, I shouldn’t have to tell him”.
Blame – pointing the finger to the other for the problems and fault finding
Accusing their spouse, pointing the finger at them for the cause of these problems, rather than seeing how they contribute towards their dynamic. Externalizing blame onto their partner, as the cause of the problem, keeps these patterns intact, so they do not have to address the areas within themselves
Protest, despair and shutting down
John Bowlby’s describes the stages of infant detachment, which applies to couples. At times, when a partner’s needs are not responded to, this leads them to protest, as a desperate bid to get heard, to try to provoke a response in their partner, this can be seen as yelling, pursuing their spouse, often being critical to force the issue. When one remains unheard, the next phase is depression or despair, if one’s emotional needs are still not responded to. The last phase is detachment or disconnection. When couples move from protest, despair to detachment, they give up on the relationship, as they shut down their needs for each other.
Protecting vulnerable feelings to avoid getting hurt
When couple’s emotional needs for connection are not responded to, some act out their hurt by distancing or neglecting the role they play in the relationship. Sometimes they respond to avoid further rejection, by acting like they do not need each other, but underneath they’re afraid that showing their vulnerable feelings will make them susceptible to getting hurt.
Disengaging from each other’s lives – drifting apart
As resentment builds for feeling ignored, partners give up noticing each other. Some do not share in their partner’s happiness, not showing an interest in their lives. Married couples who fail to show love, affection, kind gestures and empathy run the risk of separation. The marriage requires showing an interest in each other, so partners can share themselves to stay connected. Many married couples fail this, because they get caught in their own hurt and protect themselves, withdrawing from each other. When the respect in the partnership is gone or partners feel the other does not care to notice their feelings, it dismantles the relationship, so spouses drift apart, as a result.
Forcing your point to get heard, not listening to each other
Signs of marital distress include arguing with raised voices, judging and stonewalling. Often they feel unheard, so they force their point of view and cannot listen to each other. These defensive coping mechanisms are used to ward off underlying feelings, as a protection against the hurt. Married couples become stuck in these patterns and have no way to deal with hurt. Many couples find it hard to communicate issues with their partner, where they fall into these stuck positions, unable to resolve issues without a couples therapist.
Emotional reactions get in the way of seeing each other
Spouses can get drawn in powerfully charged emotional states, they can lose grip of themselves and each other. They can respond in a way that is disproportionate to reality, without a third party to help the pair to see outside their stuck positions, so they can move forward.
When hurt or distressed, partners get caught in their emotions, so they protect themselves by discharging the hurt or anger, often leading their spouse to feel blamed, judged or criticised. So their partner does not get to hear the real feelings that are underneath, but counter attacks or distances. Often couples get so caught in the emotional storm, that they can lose sight of the situation. They often become unaware of their behavior or how they come across towards others.
Making others responsible for how we feel, rather than deal with our feelings
Many accuse their partner for how they feel, however, often these are feelings deep within themselves that get triggered by their partner. Many feel worthless if their partner is not re-assuring them or feel not good enough if their partner is not giving them attention.
Lack of boundaries and self control
Many spouses who lack a strong sense of self and let others take control of their life for them, by letting others influence them. Some cannot set boundaries with each other, not being strong enough to say no, giving into things they do not want to do or allowing themselves to be bullied until they back down to the more dominant partner.
Improve your marriage with a counsellor?
At Counselling in Perth, couples become unstuck, as they work through marital discord and develop more effective ways of communicating. A marriage guidance counsellor assists each spouse to own their part which contributes to the couple’s ways of relating and overcome blind spots. Partners are able to develop a more cohesive sense of self and feel secure in the marriage.
A counselor for marriage can assists couples to dismantle defensive patterns of interaction, that create stuckness, so they can resolve issues and repair the couple bond. While couples counselling assists to get in touch with their underlying feelings, that builds connection and understanding. Once their partners get to see what underlies their reactions, they can respond to their actual feelings and needs. Married couples can rebuild the relationship, with a stronger platform to deal with relationship issues.
Couples find ways to express their needs, from an authentic position rather than a self-entitled position. Guidance for married partners, offers couples the necessary containment to deal with their hurt and assists couples to see what underlies each partner’s behavior, so they can see each other with a clearer lens. Therapy for couples’ facilities spouses to work through areas of stuckness, repair relationship ruptures and resolve impasses, so couples can move forward.
For many couples, it can feel counter intuitive to change these stuck patterns, as they struggle to do so on their own, without the strength of couples’ therapy to re-align them. From our earliest experiences, we’ve learnt to protect our feelings, in particular ways. But often these defensive coping patterns get in the way of a real intimate relationship, causing communication problems. It is only with the containment of a marriage therapist, that these stuck positions can be worked on, so that it transforms the relationship.
Nancy Carbone
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